


(J)oak's on Yew

by HazelBeka



Category: Naruto
Genre: ANBU have the worst sense of humour, Fluff, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Humor, M/M, excessive tree puns, inappropriate wood puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-02-10
Packaged: 2018-05-19 14:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5969998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HazelBeka/pseuds/HazelBeka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why doesn't Tenzou like tree puns? They're not fir everyone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(J)oak's on Yew

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Santana2](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Santana2/gifts).



> This was inspired by a conversation I had with Santana2 about Tenzou suffering through ANBU's terribly punny sense of humour. In fact, Santana2 also wrote [a wood pun ANBU fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5892964) which you should definitely check out too.

Tenzou stood at the bottom of the ANBU stairwell and tried to mentally prepare himself. It was the morning of his eighteenth birthday and he wasn’t sure he was ready for whatever lay waiting for him in the offices. Probably it would be another cactus. _Hopefully_ it would be a cactus, because Tenzou didn’t think he could take much more of the ANBU sense of humour. That, and he couldn’t fit any bigger plants on his already-crowded windowsill.

There wasn’t time to dither any longer; his shift started in two minutes. Tenzou opened the stairwell door and passed through the wards, climbing to the floor of the Hokage Tower reserved solely for ANBU. He paused again at the top of the stairs to remove his mask – no one wore a mask in the offices – before making his way down the corridor to the open plan office.

“Happy birthday!”

There was a group of them clustered around his desk, and Tenzou was seriously wondering if he should just ignore them and find somewhere else to work today when Kakashi caught him with an arm around his shoulders, slightly too tight as though he sensed Tenzou’s urge to flee.

“Eighteen,” Kakashi sighed. “They grow up so fast. It seems like only yesterday you were still a child. Oh, wait.”

“You’re two years older than me,” Tenzou said flatly.

Kakashi ruffed his hair and tried to pinch his cheek, and Tenzou ducked out of his hold and wondered, not for the first time, if he could request a transfer to a different team. Admittedly, he wasn’t sure there _were_ any sane captains in ANBU, but it was important not to lose hope.

It was about then that he noticed the present sitting on his desk. It wasn’t a cactus.

“Do you like it?” Kakashi asked. There was some stifled tittering.

“A bonsai,” Tenzou said. “Wow. How original.”

“Because you do the wood thing,” Kakashi added. “And it’s a tree.”

“Thanks for explaining the joke.”

“You don’t look very amused.”

“I’m laughing on the inside.”

Thankfully, at that point someone called Kakashi’s name from across the office, and Tenzou didn’t bother to repress his sigh of relief. He was saved. Then he looked up and saw who was heading towards them and realised he’d spoken far too soon.

Ambling over to them was Kawaguchi, an operative a few years older than Tenzou and one of the worst offenders when it came to the classic ANBU sense of humour. The small group of ANBU who’d hung around to see Tenzou’s reaction to the bonsai had started to drift away or talk amongst themselves, and Tenzou considered making a break for it while everyone was distracted.

“Oh, hey, Tenzou,” Kawaguchi said as he drew level with them. “Happy birchday.”

Tenzou frowned, wondering if he’d misheard.

“Thanks.”

“I was just coming to let you know that group training practice this afternoon has been rescheduled,” Kawaguchi continued, talking to Kakashi as well now. “It’s been moved to tree o’clock.”

Tenzou blinked. Now he was hoping he’d misheard.

“That’s pine,” Kakashi said, and Tenzou’s heart sank. “Do you know why it was changed?”

“Just going out on a limb here, but I reckon some poor sap messed up the timetable.”

“Didn’t Tadaomi do it? I wooden have expected that from him. But I’m sure he’ll get to the root of the problem.”

“Stop it,” Tenzou said flatly. Two wide-eyed innocent faces turned to him.

“Don’t leaf, Tenzou,” Kakashi said. “This place would go to seed without you.”

“If you’re sycamore of the wood puns, we can branch out,” Kawaguchi added.

“But if you give us a chance, I willow you one. I really think we maple this off.”

The problem with highly intelligent people, Tenzou considered, was that this sort of rapid fire stupidity came naturally to them. And unfortunately, ANBU had intelligent people in spades.

“I hope you both fall from the top of the Tower,” he said.

“I hope we don’t. Touch wood,” Kakashi said, and Tenzou wondered if it would be unprofessional to punch him in the face.  
  


* * *

  
  
By the time three o’clock rolled around, Tenzou was praying fervently that he’d be called away on some long solo mission, preferably in another country. Not only had the terrible puns continued to fly, but they had _spread_. ANBU that Tenzou barely knew had told him he’d blossomed into a pine adult or that they were rooting for him to survive the day. The presence of the bonsai on his desk didn’t help. He’d heard the same crack about family resemblance five times already.

At least it was now time for group training. These kinds of sessions set two teams against each other; one was given a mock ANBU mission briefing and the other played the enemy. Tenzou was looking forward to it, mostly because Kakashi wasn’t on the same team as him, and combat was actively encouraged. It wasn’t often he was ordered to try and beat up his captain, but he was feeling unusually motivated today. It was just a shame that Kawaguchi was on his team. Punching teammates was generally frowned upon.

He wasn’t even too put off by the mission briefing, which had definitely been rewritten since that morning. Today’s pseudo mission was taking place in the Forest of Death, and the briefing instructed them to track down a splinter group of a drug-trafficking ring and uproot their organisation. Tenzou found himself eyeing the word _ambush_ with suspicion, unsure whether he was getting paranoid or whether someone had finally figured out how to be subtle.

“Shit, they got away,” Miho said, the third member of their team. She moved cautiously further into the clearing where they’d attempted to ambush Kakashi’s enemy group. “How’d they know we were coming?”

“I’m stumped,” Kawaguchi said. Miho threw a twig at his head and he ducked.

“Would you please cut that out?”

“Just ignore it,” Tenzou advised. “Eventually you stop noticing it. I almost didn’t see the ones in the mission briefing.”

“Wait, there were puns in that?”

“You hadn’t twigged? Ow!” Miho’s second projectile had hit home. “Hey, I know it was acorny joke, but you don’t have to be a stick in the mud about it.”

“If you don’t stop messing around, I’ll beat you to a pulp and log it as an accident in the report,” Miho said, and then froze as Kawaguchi started sniggering. She turned to Tenzou. “I’m so sorry, it just slipped out!"

“It’s fine,” Tenzou sighed. “I think I’m immune to it by now. Oh, shit, look out!”

A shower of shuriken rained down, splitting them up, and then Kakashi was bearing down on Tenzou, forcing him to block a barrage of punches and driving him further from the others.

“You better pay more attention,” Kakashi said, ducking a high kick. “Otherwise you won’t cedar wood for the trees.”

“Kakashi-senpai,” Tenzou said, “you’re a real pine in the ash.”

Kakashi faltered, and Tenzou took the opportunity to kick his legs out from under him. In the moment Kakashi was on the ground, he flashed through the hand symbols for a jutsu. Branches shot out of the soil, and Kakashi wasn’t quick enough to avoid them; they wrapped around his body, pinning him in place where he stood.

“Shit,” Kakashi said with something like awe. “Did you just use a pun as a _weapon_?”

“A good shinobi can use words as weapons,” Tenzou quipped. “Isn’t that what they say?”

“I’m so proud. I feel over-elmed with emotion.”

“Senpai…”

“I’m wondering if you wood release me and let me get back to my team. After all, it’s kind of inappropriate that you’ve got wood, don’t you think?” Even though he was wearing a mask, Tenzou could sense the leer.

“You know, I could make branches grow under your fingernails. Very slowly.”

“Maybe you should go work at Tree&I.”

Tenzou turned and started walking back towards the rest of the group.

“Wait, Tenzou, you’re not going to leaf me here, right? Tenzou!”  
  


* * *

  
  
The end of a shift had never felt so good. Tenzou carefully picked up his bonsai and started to head out of the office. Maybe by next year everyone would have forgotten when his birthday was and he wouldn’t have to deal with this ever again. That was the dream.

“Hey, Tenzou, wait up.”

Kakashi appeared beside him and Tenzou braced himself for more attempts at humour.

“You should come back to mine for a bit,” Kakashi said. “I bought you a real present too.”

Tenzou paused as he analysed the words for any hint of a pun.

“Is it plant food?” he asked.

“No, nothing like that.”

“A watering can?”

“It’s nothing to do with trees! I promise.” He held up his hands defensively when Tenzou gave him a look. “Seriously, I’m done with the jokes. I’ve got it all out of my system.”

“Really.”

“Why don’t you beleaf me?” Kakashi’s eye widened and he slapped a hand to his mouth. “Fuck, I really didn’t mean to do that. It’s become a habit. Wait, Tenzou, don’t leaf me! Shit!”

In the end, Tenzou followed Kakashi reluctantly back to his flat. He put the bonsai next to Mr Ukki, and Kakashi briefly fussed over both plants, misting them and giving Mr Ukki an account of his day. Tenzou wondered if Kakashi’s fondness for plants was the reason they were friends, but decided not to ask, even as a joke. There was no acceptable answer to the question _do you only like me for my wood_?

“Close your eyes,” Kakashi instructed when he’d finished cooing over the plants.

Tenzou sat on the couch and obediently shut his eyes, listening as Kakashi left the room and then returned. He sat down next to Tenzou and then something warm and soft was deposited onto Tenzou’s lap. It mewled.

Tenzou’s eyes shot open and he stared at the kitten sitting on his thighs and pawing at him curiously.

“You got me a cat?” He looked up at Kakashi, almost unwilling to believe it. “Seriously?”

Kakashi ran a hand nervously through his hair. “I wanted to get you something special for your eighteenth. You’re always playing with my dogs, but I thought a puppy would need too much attention.”

Tenzou stroked the kitten’s head and it mewled at him again.

“Do you like her?” Kakashi asked. What a stupid question.

“Yes,” Tenzou said, a little louder than he’d meant. “Thank you, she’s perfect.”

Kakashi paused. “Was that a pun? _Purrfect_?”

“No!” And then, because he’d become accustomed to suspecting everything today, Tenzou got it. “Wait a second. You got me a cat.” He glanced up and caught Kakashi sheepishly avoiding his eyes. “It’s another terrible joke, isn’t it? I’m Cat so you got me a cat.”

“As if I’d do that! You’ve got to be kitten me.”

“Kakashi-senpai,” Tenzou warned.

“Don’t have such a negative cattitude. Be more paw-sitive about your present.”

Tenzou gave up. Who cared about the damn puns? He had a _kitten_.

“Thank you for the gifts.”

Kakashi slung an arm around his shoulders and Tenzou was fairly sure he was grinning beneath the mask.

“So you enjoyed your birthday despite the jokes?”

Tenzou stroked the kitten, which curled up in his lap.

“It was punderful.”

**Author's Note:**

> There are 36 wood puns in this fic and 41 puns in total. You're welcome.


End file.
